


alone, together.

by ainsleykasper



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, 進撃の巨人 | Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan (Movies), 進撃！巨人中学校 | Shingeki! Kyojin Chuugakkou | Attack on Titan: Junior High
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:21:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28356150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ainsleykasper/pseuds/ainsleykasper
Summary: 𝙡𝙚𝙫𝙞 𝙖𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙧𝙢𝙖𝙣 𝙭 𝙤𝙘Mae Vogel is a strong, independent, and persistently stubborn girl, trying to free herself from an unforgiving past. After she joins the Survey Corps, she meets Levi Ackerman, a man who is also trying to forget his background, but one where he formerly lived as an Underground thug. A tease with a bad mouth and a killjoy with slight ocd certainty doesn't sound like a compatible pair, right?Uhm...𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘩...they don't, but sometimes soulmates work in unexplainable ways.“I get it. Your past haunts you. You slip up, say things you shouldn't about the person you used to be, but it's okay. Say shit, and move on."!! sexual scenes, mature language, violence, torture, sexual assault, mentions of abuse/self-harmthank u for everything, xxoo
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 54





	1. [0] introduction

_chapter 0: introduction_

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

NAME: mae vogel

EYE COLOR: light blue

HAIR: long and blonde

HEIGHT: 5'3

BIRTHDAY: april 18, aries

AGE: currently 18

INTERESTS: hand-to-hand combat, vulgar language, animals, the stars, life outside the walls

HABITS: sitting with her knees to her chest, saying the word "fuck" unprecedented

PET PEEVES: idiocy.

ABOUT: Mae Vogel was born just outside of Shiganshina, inside Wall Rose, with her Mother and Father. She lived a very secretive and unconventional life as a kid, but nonetheless, grew up to be strong, independent, and curious about the world she calls home. She's self-reliant, witty, kindhearted (although she doesn't like to admit it) and is usually cold toward people she doesn't particularly like or know well. Though, when she trusts a person, she trusts them fully, giving them her all. Barely anyone knows about her past, but she certainly has the scars to prove her childhood was never pleasant. Mae believes there is so much more to life than order and living inside The Walls. She presumes that a long time ago, power hungry people made The Walls to encase other humans, controlling them from the outside and watching their every move. To her, living inside The Walls was like living inside of a fear-stricken cage.

She just wants to be free.

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

**_ALONE, TOGETHER._ **

_-a_


	2. [1] punches

_song:  
we're not just friends - parks, squares, and alleys_

_❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀_

_chapter 1: punches_

**_BAM_ **   
  


**_BAM_ **   
  


**_BAM_ **

_I craved the physical sensation of my_ _own_ _power._

Some would call the feeling adrenaline, others would call it strength, but the triumphant energy stung like lightning buzzing throughout my entire body. When I kicked and punched the soft leather in front of me, I felt a longing burn in my veins. I never allowed myself to stop, not until I was dripping with sweat, incased in an electric warmth from head to toe.  
  


**_BAM_ **   
  


Bright, golden sunbeams caressed my skin, sinking into memories and forgetfulness of my past. The sky was clear, almost mesmerizingly so, urging me to train to the core of my problems, outside and alone.

That was usually how I liked to do things: _alone_.

Not that I couldn't get along with other people, or I minded talking, I had just learned being isolated from others was easier, and there would always only be one person to blame: myself. Of course, joining the Cadet Corps meant daily heaps of teamwork, constantly stimulated by trivial human interactions, but through the years, I eventually learned the importance of working together. Though, if I were being completely honest, I would still gladly jump at the chance to remain in solitary.

After finishing up my workout, I headed back toward the dorms to take a quick, much-needed shower, before dinner arrived. Blissfully, the tired daylight began to retreat behind itself, and a light breeze glided past me, cooling my sweat-ridden skin. My now moist outfit consisted of a tight-fitting, black tank top and some baggy, gray shorts. Not particularly my taste in fashion, but the garments were extremely functional for killing giant, fucking humanoid creatures.

I entered the tattered, homey dorms, and almost instantly came face to face with an unyieldingly annoyed Sasha.

"I just don't understand why we have dinner so late! I'm so goddamn hungry" she whined to Mikasa, who looked like she wasn't even paying attention, "Oh hi, Mae. Didn't see you come in...but don't you agree that dinner should be earlier...or, NO...WHAT IF WE HAD TWO DINNERS?"

_Yes, my name is Mae. Mae Vogel._

I playfully rolled my eyes at her.

"Hey, you get back here!" she exclaimed, but I was already on my way to the showers.

"Sorry, gotta go...uh...jerk off?" I bluffed.

As soon as I got into the shower, I was alleviated. The warm water running down my body felt magnificent, especially since I had been working so hard, and my muscles were exhausted. I let the soothing liquid trickle down my hands and legs, snaking around the familiar scars I had accumulated over the years. Some jagged, others almost faded. I suppose I never really minded when people pointed them out, I just didn't respond well when people asked how I received them.

I continuously told myself that the defacements of my once innocent shell were embedded deep into my being to remind me of where I came from, to remind me how I used to live. The old inflictions made me remember what I so badly wanted to forget. Every time I took a shower, changed my clothes, exposed my skin, I had to face my past. I was still learning to come to terms with my demons, slowly, but surely.

I hopped out of the shower, dried my hair, and put on a clean uniform. Dinner was approaching, so I made my way toward the mess hall.

**_BUMP_ **

I looked up at who had just carelessly whacked into me, and _of_ _course..._ the person just had to be the horse-face headass.

"AH, uh, I'm so sorry, Mae. I...um, wasn't looking where I was going, and I just uh-"

"Shut it, Kirstein, I don't care," I said flatly as I got up and walked away.

Maybe I was a tad bit harsh, but Jean and I had some...unrequited history.

Without dragging my brain across the rough edges of our relationship, I suppose we dated for some time while in the Cadet Corps. Honestly, all the talk about humanity became boring during long days and nights, so I guess a boyfriend was my solution? Smart, right? Pondering about then, I do recall when I wasn't training, I was with Jean, and whenever I was with Jean, well...he made sure I was _never_ bored.

_wink wink_

Okay, yes...

_Gross._

However, we ended things because he wanted more from me, and I wasn't remotely ready to love him...or to love _anyone_ in fact. Realizing I couldn't bear to give him that warmth was heartbreaking, but I forced myself to move on, dwelling caused too much pain. Admittedly, after my days with Jean were over, Mina and I had some fun together, on the down-low of course. I never really had the energy to deal with homophobes.

An absurd amount of unprecedented shit had occurred over the past three years of my life as a soldier. The obscene stories and secrets of the Cadet Corps usually came as a surprise to outsiders, but the camp always had a lot more going on behind closed doors than most people might assume...

\- _For example, every guy holds a collective gayness for Reiner. I don't question these things._

_\- Eren and Mikasa kissed once, and after the eliciting event, Eren avoided her for a straight week._

_\- And, ah, here's a good one: the girls all agreed that masturbation ALWAYS stayed in the bathrooms and NEVER in the dorms. The rule was a sworn secrecy among all the female Cadets._

Anyhow...

Ready for dinner, I sat down in the dimly lit mess hall with Mikasa, Eren, and Armin. Tonight's meal was, drumroll please...soup and bread! I was practically _beaming_ with joy. Yeah, uh, we had this every night, but I shouldn't complain, food was food.

"Mae!" I looked up at the blonde, wide-eyed boy in front of me.

"Mhm?"

"Are you excited to finally graduate tomorrow? I mean seriously, three years of our lives are coming to an end!"

"Well, yeah, of course. We're finally getting out of this shithole" I paused, "Oh, and um, on that topic...I guess I decided on the Survey Corps."

"Hell yeah, join the club!" Eren chuckled, raising his fist in the air.

_So passionate..._

"Yo, dumbass" I swiveled around to face Jean, "You're going to end up getting yourself killed, I hope you know that."

I turned back around and flipped him off behind me, making him scoff at my stubbornness. I knew the fuckery he pulled was just Jean's way of telling me he cared, but god, he was such a dick sometimes.

"Hey, don't talk to her that way! If anyone is the dumbass it's you, since all you want to do is wallow around inside the walls all day with your thumb up your ass!"

_Here we go again._

"Yeah, well at least I'm not a suicidal freak like you, and at least I can kiss a girl without running away like a little pussy!"

I rolled my eyes.

"Well..." Eren paused, "Well, at least my girlfriend still loves me. I gotta say, your stroke game must've been super weak if you were piping her, and she _still_ left y-"

**_BAM_ **

**_SMACK_ **

I was now standing in the middle of the two bickering, but now silent, idiots. I made sure to sock both of them square in the jaw, and now they were on the floor, clenching their faces.

"If you say another word, I will not hesitate to make sure you never have kids," I said through gritted teeth, heading straight toward the door.

I wasn't hungry anymore.

_1287 words_

_-a_


	3. [2] scouts

_song:  
giants - kenneth edwards_

_❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀_

_chapter 2: scouts_

I vowed to never love anyone, ever again.

I saw what love did to my parents, what love did to me, and to be completely honest, I wasn't even sure I knew _how_ to love. To me, love was fighting, screaming, and not being able to leave a dangerous situation. Love was bruises and cuts. Love was kissing to fill a void. Love was something I never wanted. Besides, if I didn't love, I wouldn't have to worry about losing what was close to me.

_Fuck love._  
  


❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀  
  
  


As graduation rolled around, and clouds wavered above the horizon, we soon stood saluting our commanding officers and higher-ups. Smiles and anxious waiting loomed in the air, almost suffocatingly so. Finally, we were granted the choice to our own future, and how we wanted to fight for humanity.

Fire illuminated off of our grins as Commandant Shadis loudly spoke, calling out the top ten candidates of our 104 Cadet Corps, or as the bottom-feeders liked to call us, " _the lucky ones_ ".

"In tenth, Sasha Blouse."

"Ninth, Connie Springer."

"Eighth, Marco Bott."

"Seventh, Jean Kirstein."

"Sixth, Eren Yeager."

"Fifth, Annie Leonhart."

"Fourth, Bertolt Hoover."

"Third, Reiner Braun."

...

"Second"

...

"Mikasa Ackerman."

_Well, shit._

"First, Mae Vogel."

_Huh?_

"These are the top of your class, congratulations Soldiers."

_How? How?_

My brain was slightly malfunctioning due to the shock of my ranking.

_I mean, why the flying fuck was I ranked over Mikasa?_

I could acknowledge my strength, my resolve, my resilience, but to say I was better than a crowd of bright-eyed people, was completely ridiculous. My peers worked the same days and nights like me, fought long and hard like me, and desperately tried to climb their way to the top...just like me. I was coming to terms with the fact that not all humans were born equal, not in skill, intelligence, luck, kindness, ignorance, or talent. No one was created to be on an even playing field. No one was truly free from the divine will of the universe.

Maybe, that was the brutal reality of life.  
  
  


❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀  
  
  


_Please, just get me drunk._

I looked down at the chilled, wooden cup I was holding, with a bitter beverage poured inside. Honestly, I wasn't in the mood to celebrate my hard-earned disposal from the shithole I had called home for the past three years. So instead, I was sitting at a table with my friends, a beer was clasped in my hand, and I was avidly making sure I wasn't being included in any sort of conversation. I just preferred to listen. As I was engrossed with Armin and Sasha's argument about which guy had the best ass, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Hey, Mae, can we talk? Outside?"

I stared into the wavering brunette's eyes, eyes that I was once infatuated with, almost became too close with.

The eyes of Jean.

I nodded my head, and we made our way to an empty cobblestone street. The atmosphere was pleasant, quiet, but a calm breeze rang through the town. Fluttering moonbeams showed down upon roofs of small houses and glossy windows, collecting dust.

Jean tilted his head back, exhaling a puff of nervous energy, "I just wanted to say, I'm sorry. Sorry for the other night and for all the other times I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Listen..."

He put my cold hands in his.

"I care about you. I have a hard time showing my feelings, but you really are a special girl. Whatever happens next, I guess, I just want you to be safe and happy. That's all I can ask for. So, thank you, thank you for the memories of us, and thank you for being Mae Vogel, the self-righteous, badass girl I call a best friend."

I looked at him, dumbfounded at what just came out of his mouth. Maybe his smartass _finally_ came to a realization that life holds so much more than fighting with Eren.

"Thank you, Jean. I know we piss each other off a lot, but I do care about you too, in one way or another. I really hope you find happiness too, wherever that is."

He smiled effortlessly, pulling me into a hug, and of course, I embraced him back. Even though he was a dickwad sometimes _(a lot of the time)_ , I spent an important part of my life with him at my side, and if I were to go back, I honestly wouldn't change a thing.

We walked into the party side by side, a comfortable silence resonated between us. No hard feelings, no love, but mutual respect for one another's happiness connected us back together.

That was all I needed.  
  
  


❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀  
  
  
  


The day after we graduated, Titans attacked Trost.

_Crazy shit._

Five years had passed since the Titans breached Wall Maria, and somehow the traumatic event seemed like it was happening all over again. The Military Police and Scout Regiment buckled their asses down and acted fast. Anyone trained to kill Titans was forced to assemble into squads, eliminate the threat, and escort any civilians inside Wall Rose. Unfortunately, Mikasa and I were instructed to hang back with the higher-ups and defend the entrance to inner Wall Rose, rather than moving directly to the vanguard with our friends.

I remember, very vividly, how the sky started to pour, seemingly out of nowhere. Somehow, the universe knew how much distress and uncertainty there was left, and how little hope was felt.

Soon after Mikasa and I accompanied the residents of Trost to safety, we made our way to the front lines, meeting up with our fellow friends and comrades. After finding everyone perched atop civilian roofs, Armin informed us that his whole squad had been wiped out...

_...including Eren._

I was pissed, really pissed. Not at Eren, or the Scouts, or even the Titans, but I was pissed off at the infuriating unfairness of life. Eren was like family to me. He was the annoying little brother I never had. I felt sick to my stomach, though, on the outside, I didn't dare show an ounce of emotion. I knew shedding tears wouldn't help me get anywhere. Been there, done that.

The remaining of us Cadets made a risky, not so reliable plan to reach HQ, since the recruits inside the building weren't budging, due to the Titan's swarming of the area. I wish they knew how good they had it. The lowly Cadets were supposed to be supplying us with backup air and blades, but the thought of the lucky sons of bitches just doubling over and bending their backs to the Titans, boiled my blood. For god's sake, all we were running on was fumes and a tiny bit of shitty luck.

After a long skirmish, we barely made our way inside of HQ. Flying and smashing through the windows of the tall tower would've been pretty badass, if only we weren't all fighting for our lives. Mikasa, Armin, and Connie soon caught up with Jean and me, and Armin informed us that an abnormal Titan was fighting its kind. We looked at the blonde like he was out of his mind, but sure enough, a roar erupted, and the strange, somewhat attractive Titan slammed his fist into another ginormous, hostile monster. After he was done fighting most of the other Titans, he collapsed to the ground, and to our disgust?...surprise?... _concern,_ the Titan began evaporating, revealing an unconscious Eren inside its nape.

I felt as if I had witnessed a god-like prophecy from the heavens.

At that moment we were just awe-struck, jaws hanging slack on our petrified faces. Our group of friends were all a little confused and baffled, to say the least, but long story short, apparently Eren could turn into a Titan? The idea sounded fucking insane, I knew that for sure, but at that point, everyone lacked the brain cells to question the situation. So, we moved on.

_Damn._

Of course, the Military Police got involved, and after trying to kill Eren _(stupid bastards),_ Pixis came up with a plan to seal the breach in Trost. With much deliberation, Titan Eren picked up a gigantic boulder and placed it in the gap along Trost's gate. The moment was a fine sight to see if I said so myself.

 _Finally_ , we secured a victory for humankind.

After the messiness of the breach died down, the next few days consisted of the Survey Corps getting rid of any stray Titans, and a cleanup process began across Trost. I thought we lost too many people for this to be called a true victory. Mina, Marco, Thomas...they were all gone, and as much as I liked to act strong and nonchalant, I just couldn't...not about them.

About two weeks had passed since the attack on Trost. After I gazed at fiery tears and the unrecognizable ashes of my comrades, I sealed my fate as a Scout. Seeing the terrors of the unprotected city, I declared to do everything in my power to protect the people around me,

even if it cost me my life.  
  
  


❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀  
  
  


I woke up in a new bed. The blinding sun shown in my eyes and a cool breeze drifted through an open window. I remembered the night before, finally choosing to become a member of the Survey Corps, shivering in anticipation. To my delight, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Ymir, Christa, Reiner, and Bertolt followed in the Scout's footsteps. The influence of disaster struck us in ways we never would have imagined. After the ceremony, we brave motherfuckers were taken to the Scout's old HQ, which was a lovely castle surrounded by trees and wildlife, and we were told it would be our temporary training grounds until the next mission.

I gazed to the opposite side of our newly established room, and a sleeping Mikasa lay so beautifully without any effort...except, she was probably dreaming about the Titan boy. I figured it was too early for everyone to be awake yet, judging by how low the sun was in the sky, so I decided to head to the dining hall for some water and maybe to walk around a bit. I slipped on my new uniform and took a glance at the piece of cloth I held in my hands. The carefully woven cotton was green, and embroidered wings clung to the back.

_The Wings of Freedom._

I arrived at the dining hall and poured myself a glass of water. Sitting down on a bench, with my knees to my chest, I gazed out the crystal clear window. The view was quite pretty, being in the countryside and all. Trees surrounded us, and I spotted a lake not too far from here.

Sadly, my tranquil thoughts were interrupted as I heard footsteps and a voice behind me.

"Oi, Cadet, what are you doing?"

Not wanting to turn around, I just said,

"I was getting water, Sir" pointing at my cup, still not facing him.

He scoffed, "Well, then why the hell are you up so early?"

"I could ask you the same question, Sir" I smirked.

I heard his footsteps padder closer, and soon, a quite intimidating man, with a scowl and deep blue-gray eyes stepped in front of my crouched state.

"Hm. You're one of the recruits, right?"

"Yes, Sir."

He scoffed again, "Tch, I already know you're going to annoy the absolute shit out of me."

With that, he walked away, leaving me slightly dumbfounded.

Though, from that delightful interaction alone, I already _knew_ I was going to have one hell of a time teasing him.

_1931 words_


	4. [3] captain

_song:_   
_dizzy on the comedown - turnover_

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

_chapter 3: captain_

After Mr. Stick-Up-His-Ass left, I went for a short walk around the castle, and then headed back to the dining hall for breakfast. I sat down next to Mikasa, and soon the whole of our friends gathered at the table.

"Hey, Mae, where were you this morning? You weren't in the room when I woke up" Mikasa asked.

"I woke up early and was bored, so I went on a walk."

"You're so weird, Mae. Who walks for fun?" Sasha inquired.

"What the hell else was I supposed to do? Crawl into bed with Mikasa?"

Everyone laughed.

"I mean, I wouldn't mind" Mikasa winked.

Eren looked a little flustered.

"Eren, you know she's kidding, right?" Connie spoke up.

"Uh, uh yeah, oh yeah I knew that."

_God, someone needs to get this kid a better sense of humor._

"Eren, how has Titan training been?" Armin asked.

"It's been uh...interesting? You see, I can't completely control my abilities yet. So sometimes when I'm trying to activate it, my Titan form doesn't materialize, and then I end up biting my hand for no reason. Though, we did figure out that I need to have some sort of goal in mind, and I can't let myself hesitate."

"That's so fascinating. Who would've known? I mean seriously, I wonder if there are more people like you?" Armin inquired.

"Only time will tell," Mikasa said.

Everyone nodded and agreed.

"I have a question for you, Eren" I budded in, trying not to laugh at what I was about to say.

"Has anyone told you how _HOT_ your Titan is?"

My friends around the table looked shocked for a second but then burst out laughing at my ridiculous, completely satire, statement.

"Wait...what?" Eren looked very confused and innocent.

"I'm saying that your body in Titan form is sexy as hell, I mean besides from you being a Titan and all, but you're definitely the hottest one I've ever seen. I'm sure everyone can agree, and to be honest, seeing a body like _that_ probably turns Mikasa o-"

Mikasa put her hand over my mouth, trying to suppress her grin. Everyone was giggling their asses off, meanwhile, Eren's face was as red as could be.

"What do you cadets find so funny? It's honestly making me sick hearing people laugh this early."

_Oh, go suck a dick, asshole._

I knew exactly who was talking, due to his threatening demeanor and cynical voice. I turned to the grumpy man, rolling my eyes and faking a smile. Honestly, I didn't give him a very good browse this morning, but looking at him now, hot damn, he was quite attractive.

"Sir, we were just talking about how hot Eren's Titan form is. Wouldn't you agree?" I blurted out.

My friends were holding their laughter in as I spewed more shit, unknowingly digging my grave even deeper.

With a stoic, slightly pissed off expression, he replied, "Hm, so you're the Cadet from this morning, am I correct?"

"Yes, Sir."

"What's your name?"

"Mae Vogel, Sir."

"Top of your class?"

"Yes, Sir."

"It's quite unfortunate that a brat like you is exceptionally talented, they must've lowered the standards this year."

_That made me angry._

"I don't think my comrades have anything to do with my big mouth, Sir."

I caught him off guard with my quick wits.

_Sorry, Mr. Shorty, but I know how to play your silly, little game better than you._

All those years of master manipulation from my parents did come in handy. At least _something_ worthwhile came from my trauma.

"I knew you would be a pain in my ass" he rolled his eyes and walked away.

My friends looked at me like I had just killed their families.

"You're such a dumbass" Mikasa sighed, putting her head in her hands.

"That was Corporal Levi, you idiot" Eren stated.

My eyes shot wide open.

"YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT? FUCK. HE'S GOING TO MAKE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL."

I smacked myself in the head.

"I really _am_ a dumbass."  
  
  


❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀  
  
  


After dinner, I found myself outside, training again.

_Alone_.

Ever since I was a little kid, I had been taught that physical strength was the most important asset in life. My Mom and Dad drilled their toxic ideologies into my head, and even though I didn't always believe them, I continuously felt the need to become stronger. My wellbeing was like a game to me: how far I could push my strength before my body gave out? Kicking and punching until my muscles were all worn out, made me feel alive, created some sort of foreign energy boiling in my blood. I wanted my legs to burn. I was proud of the soreness in my arms. Honestly, I knew overworking myself was an unhealthy obsession, but for the moment, it was the only thing that truly kept me alive.

**_BAM_ **

**_BAM_ **

**_BAM_ **

I suddenly stopped, feeling someone watching me from a distance. So, I turned around, and of course, no other than Corporal fucking Levi was leaning on the fence surrounding the practice area, and shamelessly staring at me. Creepy much?

_I hate to admit it, but god, he_ _'s_ _hot. Too bad he act_ _s like_ _he ha_ _s_ _a 20-meter Titan shoved up his grumpy, sadistic ass._

I met his burning gaze, and he simply didn't give two flying fucks that I caught him eagerly ogling at me.

_From behind too..._

I snapped myself out of my thoughts.

"Hello, Sir, is there something I can do for you?"

He smirked with a brazen attitude written all over his face, "No, I was just watching your combat skills. They're not bad."

I scoffed.

"So, you're telling me the standards haven't been lowered?" I sarcastically retorted, but suddenly realized who I was talking to and tried to take back what I said.

"Hmph, sorry, uh, Sir...I...uh? Thank you...for the compliment?"

He nodded his head, slightly rolling his eyes, "Good enough.

A brief pause floated between us.

"You enjoy being alone? I've noticed you're rarely ever with your comrades, that is, except when you're forced to."

_Damn, he read me like a book._

"It's easier this way, isn't it? No one getting in the way. No one to annoy the fuc...crap out of me. No one for me to worry about. It's just...easier" I trailed off.

I looked back at him, and he still had that emotionless glint in his eyes.

"Hm, maybe you're better than I thought..." he stated, "...but you sincerely are going to have to work on that mouth of yours, it's like you _want_ to get yourself in trouble."

_Wonder what this mouth could do to yo-_

I sighed, "Yes, Sir."

"Anyway, I'm here to tell you, you'll be on my squad for the next mission."

My pupils dilated in disbelief.

"The Special Operations Squad? If you don't mind me asking, why, Sir?

"Because I chose you myself."

_Uh, did I hear that right?_

"I knew you were talented even before you got here, brat. I told Commander Erwin if you were to join the Scouts, then I wanted you on my squad."

_Fuck. Oh...fuck?_

I was dumbfounded, completely dumbfounded.

_Captain Levi? The Special Operations team? He knew of my existence, even before I decided to join the Scouts?_

"Thank you, Captain, it's an honor."

"Tch, don't think too much into it. Now, get back to the dining hall soon, it's almost dinner time" he looked me up and down, "And clean yourself up while you're at it. You're filthy."

As he walked away, I couldn't help but greedily smile. That bastard made fun of me for being a talentless runt, even though he put me on his damn squad. I felt ecstatic, knowing I would be joining such talented people, and understanding that _"Humanity's Strongest Soldier"_ specifically requested me, provided me with the hope that all this hard work was worth it.

_I genuinely hope I was worth it._

_1360 words_


	5. [4] scream

_song:_   
_boys will be boys - stella donnelly_

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

_chapter 4: scream_   
_tw! - attempted rape/lots of blood_

After my conversation with Corporal Levi, I met up with Mikasa, Eren, Jean, Armin, Sasha, and Connie at the dining hall for dinner. Our usual boisterous conversation was much quieter today because we were all still getting used to the intense training. Exhausted and droopy eyes created a heavyweight on the crisp, spring air tonight, so I decided to attempt to lighten the foul mood with my exciting news.

"Hey, guys" I spoke, "Uh...I'm...uh...on the Special Operations Squad now."

Everyone just ogled at me with a blank stare.

"Don't all speak at once" I satirically remarked.

"No...no, oh my god, that's...that's so amazing Mae!" Mikasa shook my shoulders.

"Congrats!" Armin said.

"Wait, you mean like Corporal Levi's squad? How the hell did you manage that?"

"Wow, Jean, I'm glad you have so much confidence in me" I rolled my eyes, "Well, he said he knew of my so-called _"skills"_ before I even joined the Scout Regiment, and he was impressed with me. So I guess he requested that if I joined the Scouts, then I was to be put in his squad?"

"Wow. So, you'll be with me?" Eren asked.

I nodded.

"That's badass, Mae!" Connie shouted.

"Yeah, well Mae _is_ the biggest badass we know" Sasha laughed.

"I beg to differ, I think Mikasa beats me there," I said, "Honestly, I'm surprised the Corporal didn't pick her. I mean, I just feel like a dumb bitch sometimes."

"Oh, please! Why don't you ever realize how great you are? You ranked number one for a reason" Mikasa retorted.

I hesitantly smiled at her and nodded in agreement, "I guess so...thanks, Mikasa."

The upwardly curved lips of my companions loomed around me. I was eternally grateful for my supportive friends, and even though I had a habit of isolating my self-deprecating ass, I didn't mind them. I suppose friends made dealing with life's shitty problems worth the pain.  
  
  


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On a chilly, crisp morning, after breakfast, I was assigned stable duty, though I didn't particularly mind because I loved animals, and the horses were so cute. I would rather shovel horse shit, than clean grimy dishes in the mess hall. Just thinking about touching everyone's saliva-coated utensils made me gag.

I was refilling the horses' hay, when all of the sudden, I heard padded footsteps coming toward my direction. My stupidly exceptional hearing came in handy sometimes. Thanks, Mom and Dad. I could make out the person to be male, but his footsteps warily sounded as if he were trying to be quiet like he knew he was doing something he wasn't permitted to. As I was standing in between the long row of freshly cleansed stalls, I realized the man was heading inside the barn.

_Please just leave me alone, I hate human interaction._

To my utter delight, sure enough, a young man, maybe in his mid 20's, entered the stables a few moments later. He was tall, pretty muscular, and had short, straight brown hair. His stature was positioned by the door, and his dilated pupils gazed intently into my weary, azure eyes.

He waved to me, speaking, "Hey, cutie, my name is Jacob."

_Hey,_ **_what?_ ** _Was this a poor excuse for flirting?_

"Uh, thank you...? Did you need something from the stables?"

"Yeah, I was actually looking for you, and I was told you had stable duty today... _alone_ _,_ " he said, shutting the stable door behind him, and...

locking it.

_You have got to be fucking kidding me._

"Yeah, well I'm cleaning alone for a reason. If you wouldn't mind leaving, we can talk later, I have shit to do." I sternly said.

I was not giving in to whatever this asshat had in mind.

He took a few steps closer to me, "Well, well, well, you're feisty, although I've heard you have a pretty sharp tongue, so I should've expected that."

"What do you want?" I harshly asked.

"You."

"Huh?"

Before I knew what had hit me, he ran forward, harshly grabbed my wrists, and pinned me to the ground. His knee plunged on my navel, and he squeezed my arms so tight, I knew purple bruises would appear the next day.

"GET OFF ME, YOU BASTARD!" I yelled, trying to untangle myself from his grip

An unforgiving smile lit up his face, "I'm truly sorry, but you and I are going to have some fun before you go anywhere. Got that, fucking prude?"

I couldn't even utter an answer, because immediately after non-consensually degrading me, his disgusting lips met my own. His knee kept pushing down on my abdomen, making me yelp in discomfort. I was avidly trying to bite his mouth, but as soon as he felt my teeth, he pulled back. My mind was racing so incredibly fast, and I had no idea what to do.

_I mean, should I let him do whatever he wants until I have an opening to run away? Or should I try to hurt him here and now, before he can go any further? Or should I...just obey his wishes?_

Fuck, the fact that I even had to think about this scenario was sickening. The world was a fucked up place, that I knew for sure. Alas, I concluded that I couldn't let myself be treated like a doormat for him to take for himself. I wanted to teach the motherfucker a lesson.

I pulled my head forward, then down, and back up again, budding him in his cranium.

_After that, I screamed._

"HELP. HELP. GET OFF OF ME. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME. FUCK YOU. YOU'RE SICK, A SICK FUCKING BASTARD. HELP. H-"

Cutting me off, he shoved two fingers down my throat, making me choke on them.

"If you say one more thing" he pulled out a knife, "I'll just have to show you what happens when you disobey me, poor little girl."

He retracted his fingers, but being the persistent, stubborn bitch I was, I screamed bloody murder at the top of my lungs.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

Immediately, he put his hand over my mouth and lifted my shirt. I knew exactly what was going to happen when I screamed the second time, but I just hoped that scream was loud enough for someone to hear.

_Anyone._

I could feel the cold metal of his blade piercing the skin above my rib cage. He shoved me down with both of his legs on either side of me and began placing small slashes along my arms.

The only thing I could do was endure the pain in silence. I refused to wince in front of this bastard. The bloody cuts weren't the most agonizing thing in the world, I mean the inflictions still hurt, but he had no fucking clue that I had been through a lot worse. The horrifying part wasn't the pain though, it was the thought of him taking advantage of me.

"Did that teach you a lesson?" he snickered, "Now, time for the fun."

_No. No. No. No._

He pulled up my shirt even farther, so now the bottom of my bra was exposed, and slowly, he started touching me, still holding me down...

_he fucked up._

Rage filled within me, and when he moved his legs to reposition himself, I kneed the bastard right in the balls.

_God, I hope this man never has the chance at children._

"FUCK" he screamed in pain, doubling over on the floor.

Now, the game was in my court. He tried to grab my ankle, but instead, I kicked him square in the nose. _Hard_. I kicked him again, this time his chin, causing him to fall on his back. I grabbed his knife, which was left on the floor after I had booted him in the face, and pinned his ass to the ground, pushing the knife deep into his shoulder. He screamed in agony.

I think by that point he gave up on the whole, " _I'm gonna rape this girl"_ thing, and was now just trying to stay alive.

Little did this sicko know,

_I grew up with two glorified, professional murderers as parents._

Thanks to them, I knew every minuscule, dirty tip, and trick. I knew how to stab someone in the perfect places, so they wouldn't die immediately, making them suffer, slowly mutilating their body. I also knew how to use a knife like the back of my hand, cutting and carving with my eyes closed. I knew how to make people scream, terrorize them, kill them. So I took the knife out of his shoulder, and I sheathed the sharp blade right through his thigh, and he screamed even louder. I removed the knife again.

"You can't possibly need all of your fingers, right?" I said with a cynical tone, "Not like you'll ever be getting married, you dickhead. So I guess I can just go ahead and cut your ring finger off. Trust me, I'm doing you a favor."

He pleaded for me to stop, but I couldn't resist. I took his left hand and cleanly cut off his finger.

Now, he was screaming.

I finally heard two people running in my direction, even though, at this point, I was gladly taking care of myself.

I struck him in the head, trying to get him to pass out, and by the third kick, he was out cold. I collapsed with my bloody hands on my knees, tired from all the adrenaline that had just rushed through me, and let out a relieved sigh. Soon enough, I heard the door being kicked down and felt two warm, human presences behind me.

"What the hell happened here?"

"Mae, are you okay?"

I recognized those voices. The voices of the only two people I knew in the Special Operations Squad. I slowly straightened up and turned around to face them, and they looked quite shocked, per se.

"IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!"

_1696 words_


	6. [5] crying

_song:_   
_provider - frank ocean_

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_chapter 5: crying_   
_tw! - mentions of rape_

"IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME."

The two men stared at me with horror...actually, maybe more like a petrified confusion as to what they just walked into.

I collapsed on my knees, and Eren came running to my side.

"Mae, what the fuck happened? Seriously, are you okay?"

The Corporal just stood near the door, the same stoic expression plastered on his face.

"Captain Levi and I were looking for you, so you could meet the rest of the squad, and we figured you'd still be here for stable duty. On our way to the stables, we heard screams coming from your direction and ran here as fast as we could."

I went silent.

"Idiot, tell us what happened" Shorty snapped.

I huffed and got up on my feet.

"If you want to know so damn bad, then ask this bastard, rapist, when he wakes up. Be glad I didn't fucking kill him because I was about to until I heard you unless pieces of shit outside! I thought if I screamed loud enough after he pinned me down and PUT HIS HANDS ON ME, that just _maybe_ someone would hear me. That was about 15 fucking minutes ago, and the last time I checked, it takes a man about 5 measly fucking minutes to cum their pants, and with how horny this one was, I would say at tops 2 minutes. Two FUCKING minutes, but as you can fucking see—"

I pointed to the unconscious man next to me.

"—I fucking took care of it. Now, if you want to be my _knight in shining armor_ , then I suggest you help me drag his useless, fuck-up of a fucking body to the basement and lock him up until the damn pigs get here! There, because you wanted to know SO damn bad, _that's_ what fucking happened!"

I was panting in anger, rage, and embarrassment at what I had just been through. Eren reached his hand out to pat my shoulder, but as if it was a reflex, I slapped his kindness back.

"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME."

I didn't mean to lash out. I felt bad, but I just couldn't control my disgust and anger with humanity.

_How many other people ha_ _s_ _this guy touched without permission? How many other girls have been sexually assaulted by a man they've never met, or even worse, a man they kn_ _ow_ _very well? It's so sick. So. Fucking. Sick._

My thoughts were interrupted when Captain Levi finally spoke up.

"Eren, help me tie him up, and please take him to the back of the castle. There's an entrance to the basement there, so just wait for me or Eld, we'll take care of him after that." he sounded like he was concerned for once, "That's an order, Cadet."

"Yes, Sir."

Then, the Captain turned his attention to me.

"Mae, go outside, and wait for me to finish tying him up" I gave him a scowl, "That's _also_ an order."

Irked, I scoffed and made my way out of the barn. Sitting down on a nearby patch of grass, I pulled my scuffed knees to my chest, burying my flushed face into my bloody hands. I didn't cry, I couldn't, I wouldn't let myself. When I was younger, and I cried, my parents would maim and mutilate me, until I finally stopped screaming and blubbering. Torture was their way of discipline. They had to make sure I was strong enough to endure anything, even death.

_Well, Mom and Dad, looks like you did your job, are you happy? Did I make you proud?_

The constant pressure of needing to be better was slowly killing me, although I hardly ever acknowledged it.

"Vogel."

Meeting his gaze, I was reminded how his eyes were always a smoky shade of beautiful blue...but this time, they looked different. They looked softer. They looked like pupils that belonged to someone who praised kind words and kissed away scars, but those eyes, they belonged to Levi.

"Sir."

"We'll take care of him, you'll never see that damned bastard again."

He sat next to me in the grass.

"Eventually, I'll need you to tell me everything that happened. We have to write a full report on the incident, and specify every detail...especially this time, since you severed his damn finger off" he looked amused, "That might look a little strange to the MP's."

I chuckled in sarcasm.

"Well, I told him he wouldn't need his ring finger, since no one would ever marry the poor soul. Therefore, it was my duty to relieve him of the struggle of having to look at his empty finger for the rest of his life. He should be grateful, I was doing him a fucking favor."

I heard the Captain sneer at my words.

"Shadis was right when he said you were a handful."

"Hey, it's not my fault one of your prestigious soldiers tried to get in my pants! What did he expect, for me to just be his cu—"

_Fuck, my dirty mouth slipped up again._

"Your what?"

"My, uh, what's another word?"

Curse my colorful vocabulary. I genuinely couldn't think of another word besides cum dumpster.

...

_Oh, whatever, fuck it._

"—Did he just expect me to be his cum dumpster, and just take it as if I wanted it? Of course, I was going to fight his ass back, I mean he did cut me up pretty good after all." I looked down at my clothes, my shirt was soaked in my blood.

"Don't worry, I'll take you to the infirmary...and I wasn't saying that any of this was your fault, I was just referring to the way you approach things, and the way you talk about things. It's just so..."

"Vulgar?"

"No, but that too. You're just so..."

"Annoying?"

"No, let me finish, brat!"

"So, you're saying I'm not annoying?"

"YES, YOU'RE ANNOYING."

I was now chuckling away.

"Geez, Captain, you didn't have to get so worked up, I was just asking a silly question."

I batted my eyelashes and gave him a smirk.

"You're fucking annoying, that's for sure" he muttered under his breath.

"Hey! I heard that" I said, smacking him in the shoulder.

"Bitch" he said as he hit me back, "You're not allowed to smack your Captain."

"Sorry, _Captain_."

"Are you trying to get yourself in trouble?"

"What do you mean, _Captain_?" I said innocently again.

"That's not going to work. For your information, I don't have a Captain kink."

"What about a dadd-"

He put his hand over my mouth.

"That's enough, Cadet."

I nodded.

"Come on let's go to the infirmary," he said, standing up and dusting his pants off, "You're disgusting, and I sat down on the grass for you. Be grateful, Vogel."

After we got up from the dewy ground, we walked in a serene silence back to the castle. Tall tree branches whistled as flurries of semi-warm air drifted through them. Birds chirped, and a shallow creek babbled along the trail. My black boots scuffed the dirt path, falling in rhythm with the man beside me. Oddly, I felt more at peace than I had in a long while.

"For a moment, when I was talking to you, I forgot anything had even happened. You were a pleasant distraction, Sir."

No response, but to me, his silence was an answer in itself.

We walked a few more minutes in tranquility when finally, the Captain made a snarky comment.

With a disgusted face, he remarked, "Cum dumpster? Really?"

_1280 words_


	7. [6] lake

_song:_   
_growing season - love you later_

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_chapter 6: lake_

I opened my eyes from a once peaceful sleep and instantly groaned at the amount of pain I was in.

Yesterday, when Captain Levi and I got back to the castle, a nurse gave me stitches above my rib cage and dressed all the cuts and bruises on my appendages. I ignored the throbbing pain last night, but today it was in full force. My arms and legs were sore, there was a huge bruise on my stomach, and I could still feel his disgusting lips on my face. The Captain said I didn't have to train today, but I couldn't stand being in bed anymore, so I decided to explore the old castle.

I knew the first level had a kitchen and dining hall, and the second and third floors had bedrooms, but I had never explored the fourth floor, or whatever was above it, for a matter of fact. I gently threw on a tight black, long-sleeved shirt and some loose, beige cargo pants. I desperately wanted to cover up the wounds I had gotten.

I found the stairs to the fourth level and made my way around. The floor was a dark hardwood, like the rest of the castle, and there was the same old, musty smell throughout the hallways. This level was considerably smaller than the others though, making it easier to navigate where I was going. First, I came across a room with a bunch of old, wooden chairs. Inspecting the amount of dust piled up on each one, it seemed like no one had used the chairs in years. Fancy, homemade furniture was sort of a random thing to keep away in a tucked-away room, but I didn't question anything because, after all, a lot of stuff about the Scouts didn't make sense.

Then, after some walking, I came across a library. I remember I used to love reading, but now I rarely had time for it. I was surprised that the old Scouts HQ even had a library and that all the books were still here. The shelves were dusty all right, but the extra thin layer of dirt made it look like someone had recently been in here. Large shelves lined the walls, with books placed neatly beside one another, and there were a few cushioned chairs in the middle of the room. The library was a neat little place, somewhere serene to be alone.

Finally, at the end of the hall, there was a spiral staircase that led to the ceiling. I assumed the stairs were access to the roof, so I wearily climbed them and opened up a small, hatched door in the ceiling. Instantly, my face was met with a cool gust of wind, and rays of blinding sunlight illuminated my skin. I closed the door and stepped foot onto the roof, but I was met with a surprise.

In vases and pots along the edges of the roof, there were flowers and plants scattered everywhere. The place was sort of like a makeshift greenhouse. I couldn't deny that the nature of the garden was a beautiful sight, and I was beaming to know I found a place like this. Ivy intertwined with the fencing along the edges of the roof's platform, and daisies, poppies, and marigolds flourished in the damp soil of their pots. The green life was a nice change of scenery from the big ass trees scattered around the building. I felt calm up here, as the breeze blew through my hair, and the flowers rustled with the wind. I sat down with my legs to my chest, on the edge of the roof, looking through the black, metal fencing, keeping me from falling. I stared at the glimmering of the sun, bouncing off the lake, and the swaying of the grass, too long for its good. I stared at it all, sometimes I forgot beauty still did exist in this world.

"I knew I'd find you up here."

_Shit, how does he keep tracking me down? Stalker..._

"I was looking for you, and since you were nowhere to be found, I figured you must've made your way up here from boredom."

_Hmph, he's good._

"Hmph" I nodded, "You were looking for me?"

"We're assigning horses."

The world seemed to stop as soon as those concrete words left his mouth.

I aggressively stood up and turned around, "What? You expect me to go back there?"

"That's why I'm here, dumbass. I'll help you, Erwin's orders."

"Why you?"

"Because idiot, I was the one with you yesterday. You want anyone else knowing what happened? I already gave Yeager a strict talking to about keeping his big mouth closed. Isn't us two knowing enough?"

"Okay, yeah, I see your point, but that doesn't help with the fact that when I think about going back there, I want to vomit."

"What about if I went inside the stables and got your horse for you?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not really. That's your best option, Vogel."

"Fine, let's get this over with" I rolled my eyes.  
  
  


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After the Captain grabbed my horse, I joined some fellow Scouts in riding around the castle grounds. The serenity was refreshing from training all the time. After an hour or so, I got used to riding my new horse. She was gray with white spots on her back, and her name was Scout. I chuckled at her title because whoever named her had trouble with originality, but it was perfect.

A little later, I arrived at the dining hall for dinner. Honestly, I hadn't seen any of my friends since the whole incident, so it was nice getting to catch up with them. Although their conversations were trivial and stupid, listening to them blabber on about nothing was usually the highlight of my day.

"Can we play a game?" Eren asked.

"Sure! How about...everyone has to say the most embarrassing thing that happened to them, and we'll collectively decide who has the worst story? The person with the worst story gets thrown into the lake!" Sasha beamed.

"Are we even allowed in the lake?" Armin asked.

"No, but, fuck it" I answered.

"I'll go first, since I brought up the whole idea of a game in the first place," Eren told the table, "One time when I was younger, some kids were bullying Armin, and I ran to save him. The bullies started screaming and ran away when I neared them, and I was so proud that Armin's bullies were finally scared of me. I blabbered on about how terrified of me they were, only to realize Mikasa had been running behind me the whole time. Then I realized that they were scared of Mikasa..., not me."

The whole table giggled.

"I'll go next," Armin said, "Eren and I were having a sleepover together when we were about 7 or 8, and we were both sleeping in Eren's bed. I had a nightmare and woke up to find the bed soaked, under both me and Eren. I freaked out because I thought maybe water had leaked in from the roof and made the bed wet. So I woke Eren up, only to find out I wet the bed, and for the next few weeks, Eren went around telling people I peed on him."

 _Now_ we were cracking up.

"I don't know if I can beat that one, but here goes nothing" Sasha giggled, "One time, I was eating a potato during the first day of the Cadet Corps. I decided to eat it during initiation, while Shadis was interrogating all of us. He saw me eating the potato and questioned the living shit out of me until finally, I just gave him a piece of my damn potato to shut him up. He didn't like that, so he revoked my food privileges for the next FIVE DAYS! IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE 104 CADET CORPS!"

_Gosh, I remember that moment like it was yesterday. We had no clue the ride we were in for._

Connie was rambling about the time he got a boner at the doctor's office. Mikasa talked about the first time she kissed Eren because after, he avoided her for a whole week. Lastly, Jean blabbered on about when he attempted to give me a hickey, he bit me instead, so we had to go to the infirmary, explaining what happened.

"You're such a fucking idiot" I grumbled to Jean, "Who in their right mind thinks biting through flesh is the equivalent of giving someone a bruise?"

I facepalmed, as everyone laughed at Jean's utter failure.

_Now, it's my turn._

"So, uhh..."

I debated whether I should tell them or not, but the situation was truly the most humiliating thing I had ever been through. I felt I owed opening up to them.

"Yesterday, I was cleaning the stables..."

Eren immediately gave me a frightened look, his eyes shooting wide open, but I continued the story, my head hanging down.

"This guy came in, saying that he wanted to see me, and he proceeded to shut and lock the door behind him. He soon after grabbed me and pinned me to the ground, shoving his putrid mouth on mine, feeling me up and whatnot. He told me he wanted to ' _have some fun_ ', so he forcefully dug his knee into my lower body. I screamed for help, but he shoved his fingers down my throat and told me if I were to scream again, then he would cut me with his knife. I'm stubborn, but I also wanted someone to hear me, so once he removed his fingers, I let out the loudest scream ever. As he said he would, he slashed my abdomen and arms, nothing I haven't been through before, but it still hurt nonetheless. After he was done cutting me, he straddled me and started taking off my clothes. Finally, I was fed the fuck up and kicked him in the balls, making sure he never had the chance to procreate. A while later, after I sliced him up a bit and knocked him unconscious, Eren and Captain Levi found me, on the floor, ashamed and bloody."

My voice was shaky and wavering.

"So, that's...that's my most embarrassing story."

I looked up at my friends' faces, and they all just stared at me blankly. They seemed like they had just seen a Titan eat their mom.

"Sorry, I uh...I didn't mean to-"

I felt arms wrap around my shoulders, one after another until I was in the middle of all my friends' arms. I heard some sniffles and some heavy breathing, but it was at that moment I realized I had found my family again. I had found a family that didn't abuse me or tell me I couldn't cry. I had finally found a family that loved me with my scars and quirks and a dirty mouth. I had found them, and as long as I was alive, I would protect this family with my whole heart.

Suddenly, I noticed something wet along my face. Everyone retreated to their seats. Mikasa was next to me, still holding onto me dearly, and I brought my hand up to touch my face. My eyes were wet. Was I crying? Before I knew it, I had burst into tears in front of everyone. This being the first time they had witnessed me cry in the whole three years they've known me, I think they were all a little shocked. Mikasa slowly wiped the tears from my face and pulled me back in for a hug.

"I'm glad you told us. You're so strong, Mae" she whispered in my ear.

Sitting right in front of me was Jean, and he grabbed my shaky hands.

"We love you, Mae, all of us" Sasha beamed.

"You're a part of our family, whether you like it or not" Connie added.

"Thank you" I sniffled, "Just...thank you."

Eren interrupted the crying and sappiness of the conversation, "Let's go throw Armin into the lake!"

"What!? Why me?!" Armin screeched.

"Because obviously, your story was the most embarrassing!"

Everyone laughed.

"I guess it's settled then" I smiled.  
  
  


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"3..."

"2..."

"1..."

"AHHHHHHHHH" Armin screamed as we chucked him into the lake.

We were all cracking up as he screamed from hitting the icy water.

"I'm going to get you guys back!" Armin declared when suddenly he splashed water all over Eren.

"Oh, it's on" Eren yelled, taking his shirt offand jumping into the lake.

"WOOHOO!" Sasha yelled, joining Eren and Armin in the water.

Jean looked surprised, "Oh, wait, we're doing this?"

"Guess so," I said, pulling off my shoes and shirt, revealing my sports bra and fresh cuts.

I jumped into the lake's chilling water, along with Mikasa and Connie, and soon after, Jean joined us.

"This is the best idea we've had in years!" Sasha screamed.

I felt a pair of arms behind me, picking me up, and placing me on their shoulders.

"JEAN, PUT ME DOWN!" I yelled.

"Nope" he smirked.

I looked at him as he laughed with the others. I honestly missed Jean, he was my best friend for a while, even before we started dating. The breakup broke the bond we had made together, and now I was finally starting to remember why he was my best friend in the first place.

"Hey, Jean?" I asked

"Yeah?"

"Can we go back to being best friends again? I...I don't know, I just miss it, and I miss us doing stupid shit together."

"I thought you'd never say it" he smiled, "Of course."

For the rest of the night, we swam, laughed, joked, and acted like one big family. I can say, for the first time in my 18 years of life, I was finally happy. I had found my place in the world. I didn't need to look for answers anymore, they were right in front of me all along.  
  


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hello, everyone. i felt like i needed to address a few things in this chapter. i've been seeing tons of comments about mae's "embarrassing" story, and i wanted to talk about it.

mae comes from a dark past, and we know she hardly ever talks about it: meaning, she doesn't often open up. i don't think she knows how to open up. being put in a situation she's never been through before (being sexually assaulted), how uncomfortable do you think she was? like she said "it wasn't the pain that terrified me, it was the thought of him taking advantage of me." mentally and emotionally, it shook something inside of her, and she didn't know how to deal with it. a day after the incident (this chapter), she was given an opportunity where all eyes were on her, and she knew her friends were listening. for her the situation _was_ embarrassing, i want to make that clear. her morals are highly messed up, and she's just extremely blunt about things. the opportunity to open up was given to her, so she took it, and before she knew it, she had spilled something traumatic that was bottled up inside of her.

please don't tell her to "shut up" or "stop" because she has every right to her story and when she wants to talk about it. if you can't get past this chapter because it's uncomfortable, that's perfectly okay, but i just want to let you know that's the reality of this story. mae isn't supposed to be perfect. the reality of life is uncomfortable situations and saying things at the wrong times, but that's okay. it's raw and imperfect, but that's what makes mae so incredible. this scene is important to me because i know when i finally opened up about sexual assault and such, i found a voice within myself i didn't know i had. mae found that voice too.

i hope this all makes sense lol, but i'm just tired of mae's feelings being dismissed in that moment. she's brave, and for that i admire her. i love you guys a lot, and thank you for reading. <3

_2335 words_


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